"Lack-a-daisey, Sir," cried the garulous old fellow, "have you and master called at the Rectory this morning? and did you see Miss Fitzclarence? of all God's creatures she's the beautifulest . I've seen a many fine girls in my days, but nobody never see nothing like she I'll swear; I happened this morning to go up with a drop of cream, one of their keows being dry, and who should I pop upon but an angel, as I thought, for I declare I stood putrified and stagnated at her uncommon beauty: I dare say she's got a thousand sweethearts "

"It might have been worse, Sir," said Geoffry scratching his head. "The gentleman might have broke his neck! Lack a daisey, Sir, never care about it; it has saved me the trouble of lopping next autumn; for it must have come off; it's all seer wood, so of a bad job, I think it turns out a good one."

"Oh! but that's nothing extraordinary. Sir," cried Mrs. Deposit. "Man and wife, now-a-days, a'n't like lock and key, that the one can't move without the other. Why, Deposit and I are the most fashionable couple imaginable: we never intrude on each other's pleasures: he has his card parties, I mine: he mounts his hunter, and dashes in the Ride; I pop into Lady Lounge's barouche, and sport myself in the Drive every Sunday; I don't put on my cottage clumps , and, glueing myself upon hubby's arm, content myself with fagging through the plebeian pedestrian throng. La! we should both be the most wretched creatures living. Shouldn't we, George?"

"Did you ever hear Braham sing that delightful song, Miss Tonic?" asked Mrs. Deposit, winking at Mrs. Fungus.
"No, Ma'am; I never heard nobody sing it ," answered the bronze songstress.
"I suppose not, my dear," replied Mrs. Deposit, bursting into a rude laugh. "But that was not exactly the question I asked; because, of course, nobody never could sing nothing nowhere ; but somebody , blessed with the enchanting powers of a Braham, might sing anywhere ."
"True," said the Doctor (who was neither aware of the exposure of his daughter's oratory by the sarcastic lip of Mrs. Deposit, nor of Miss Elizetta's self-conviction of false grammar) , "true ; but my daughter's are all pure wild notes ; therefore, I say, the greater the merit. What think you, Mr. Victor?"

"Did you ever hear Braham sing that delightful song, Miss Tonic?" asked Mrs. Deposit, winking at Mrs. Fungus.
"No, Ma'am; I never heard nobody sing it ," answered the bronze songstress.
"I suppose not, my dear," replied Mrs. Deposit, bursting into a rude laugh. "But that was not exactly the question I asked; because, of course, nobody never could sing nothing nowhere ; but somebody , blessed with the enchanting powers of a Braham, might sing anywhere ."
"True," said the Doctor (who was neither aware of the exposure of his daughter's oratory by the sarcastic lip of Mrs. Deposit, nor of Miss Elizetta's self-conviction of false grammar) , "true ; but my daughter's are all pure wild notes ; therefore, I say, the greater the merit. What think you, Mr. Victor?"

"Yes, indeed, I'm glad the gentlemen are come ," said Mrs. Downright, an elderly woman, the epitome of vulgarity; "for I'm almost starved : I uses myself so to drink te a at five o'clock, that I'm like our black cat-- I always looks for it, as the saying is."
[some narrative omitted]
A fine Dutch piece, by Teniers, having attracted my notice, I could not help giving praise to the genius of that charming artist.
"Yes, Sir, it's a beautiful thing ," answered Mrs. Macfriz; "and I haven't had a little trouble to clean them all: this morning I was three hours mucking over them ; for, being a valeable collection, I never suffers nobody to do nothing to them but myself."
"That's right," cried Mrs. Downright: "you're like me, as I say to my chuck , and there he sits-- there's nothing like doing things one's-self: I'm sure I'd more plague and mess with the chimbley -sweeps this morning than enough."
"And what weather we had for our great wash last week," interrupted the lady of the house.
"Well," said Mrs. Dashwell, "those are things I never trouble my head about; my constitution is too delicate to permit my attendance to household concerns."
"It's lucky you've no call to do it," replied Mrs. Downright: "but I likes it; I loves to be notable; not as I've any occasion, as the saying is; for chuck and I don't want for stuff. We have worked hard; both pulled the same way, and scrope up a good bag of sweepings for our little darling, Jenny. We ben't musherroons ! No, no! We can buy our girl a husband any day. Can't we, chuck ?"

"Poor man!" said the humane Mrs. Downright, who possessed an excellent heart, which exhibited its virtues on many laudable occasions. "I think, Sir, axing your pardon, you broke your ninth commandment most completely; for it was a very cruel action to a sick neighbour, if he was an honest member of society. My chuck wouldn't have ficiated in such a piece of treachery for the world: he'd have been ashamed of it."

"Then, I say, he's a cock of the game!" vociferated Mrs. Downright; "and I'll bet a farden he could put half his parish into his pocket; aye , buy 'em, out and out! A rich man has always more enemies than a poor one."
" Poh! " cried Mr. Undermine: "property's nothing to do with the common-council."
"Egad! I believe you," answered Mrs. Downright: "any thing does now-a-days, if they can but kick up a bother . Lord bless you! they all squeedges in, in hopes of getting the loaves and fishes that's given away , except my chuck ; and everybody knows he wants nothing of nobody. They can't say, when he was churchwarden, that he ever flashed away with parish property, as many folks do ."

"Yes, indeed, I'm glad the gentlemen are come ," said Mrs. Downright, an elderly woman, the epitome of vulgarity; "for I'm almost starved : I uses myself so to drink te a at five o'clock, that I'm like our black cat-- I always looks for it, as the saying is."
[some narrative omitted]
A fine Dutch piece, by Teniers, having attracted my notice, I could not help giving praise to the genius of that charming artist.
"Yes, Sir, it's a beautiful thing ," answered Mrs. Macfriz; "and I haven't had a little trouble to clean them all: this morning I was three hours mucking over them ; for, being a valeable collection, I never suffers nobody to do nothing to them but myself."
"That's right," cried Mrs. Downright: "you're like me, as I say to my chuck , and there he sits-- there's nothing like doing things one's-self: I'm sure I'd more plague and mess with the chimbley -sweeps this morning than enough."
"And what weather we had for our great wash last week," interrupted the lady of the house.
"Well," said Mrs. Dashwell, "those are things I never trouble my head about; my constitution is too delicate to permit my attendance to household concerns."
"It's lucky you've no call to do it," replied Mrs. Downright: "but I likes it; I loves to be notable; not as I've any occasion, as the saying is; for chuck and I don't want for stuff. We have worked hard; both pulled the same way, and scrope up a good bag of sweepings for our little darling, Jenny. We ben't musherroons ! No, no! We can buy our girl a husband any day. Can't we, chuck ?"

"Come, come! as we a'n't in the House of Commons, gentlemen, I begs we may be all unonymous , and not reap up old grievances. Who will give us a song? None of my family were born skylarks; but I've some notion Mr. Simon Undermine can tip us a stave, " cried Mr. Macfriz.

"What's the use on't," said he.-- "The pig beant cut up yet; mayhap Mister Tweazy may like a joint," and up he twitched his greasy leather breeches with a carpenter's shrug .
"Oh, by no means," replied my uncle, "if I had not seen you in this dreadful condition, I might have been tempted; but, to tell you the truth, my appetite is mighty delicate, and I could not touch it now."
"Eh, you're mighty nice indeed," replied the gruffy boor, whose innate manners never exceeded the bounds of his piggery , nor was it possible ever to rub off the icrustation even with his own rasp .
"I thought you had given up pig-killing," said my uncle, "since you got your unexpected fortune."
"Nah!" exclaimed he, (smearing a nasal chrystal on the back of his gorey paw , for it bore at the best of times very little similitude to a hand; in fact it was merely a grasping tool with five claws at the end, moulded into a sort of clutch, wherewith to handle the loaves of his own family, and the fishes of others), "Nah," repeated he, "I likes the job and the profit too well."

"No, Ma'am," said the foot-boy, " cook's had an accidency with the fish sarse and its like to have set the chimbly on fire,"
"What!" exclaimed Mrs. Henpeck, "all my rich lobster sauce wasted--a nasty careless hussy!" and up she jumped, like an enraged tygress, to bolt off to the scene of action.
"You can't get into the kitchen, ma'am," continued the boy, "its all of a swim of water in trying to put the fire out, and cook's washing the soot off the ducks."

He! he! he! sniggered Mr. Coniac, "my wife don't understand the parley-woo's -- she don't understand French but when I order soup and bully of a washing-day. Mrs. Coniac never loved school, though she was at it the first twenty years of her life, but somehow she could never learn French."

We soon after reached home, where Alice opened the hall-door to us, Geoffry being in the garden gathering our desert.
"Lack-a-daisey! stars alive!" cried she, "Sir, what a heavenly-looking young lady Miss Fitzthingembob is, surely: I knows no more about the sermont then if I'd been at Jericho, for I could attend to nothing, God forgive me--I never was so onpious in my life; but Geoffrey says I have committed no sin, for looking at, and admiring, a godly person is like unto being in an angel's company, and that's no harm."

A cow-boy advanced towards the spot--'twas little Peter, the gardner's son, who worked for Dr. Markwell: the boy was alternately whistling the cows along, and munching a handful of cold suet pudding.
"Do you know Miss Rosa?" asked I.
"Ees, Sir."
"Have you seen her this morning?"
"Ees, Sir," and he took another mouthful of pudding.
"Can you tell where she is?"
"Noa, Sir."
"How long ago did you see her?"
" A main good bit ," --and down went another piece of pudding, which Peter regarded more than my enquiry, "Tell me" continued I, taking out all the halfpence I had, and putting them in his spare hand, "tell me where to find her."
Peter stuffed the last morsel of pudding into his mouth, eyed the halfpence, which he pocketted, and half choaking, with a variety of faces to clear his mouth, and pointing with his smutty finger down the opposite lane, exclaimed, " yonder be'es leady a-coming."

"Master Prolix did bring I, please your honor, I bees in desport trouble; I--I--I han't saved up money enow to pay all my rent, please your honor; that be the job; and Master Prolix do say I must goo to jeal ;" and he drew the back of his brown hand across his tearful eye.
"Yes, Sir," said Prolix, "He's two pounds short, a rascal, a thief; how dared he spend the money and cheat you."
"I peaid un away honest , I be sure" resumed Ralph; "ax the doctor, he had 'un all."
"What, Dr. Tonic?" cried my uncle.
"Ees, Sir, I peaid un dree pound for stuff for poor old mother's rheumertiz's , and bad leg, that bee's how money went like ; and so I be short you see, your honor; and desperate sorry I be, but that's no odds.
"It's a mighty pretty story," cried Prolix, sneeringly.
"Danged if it be'ant chapter true tho'," replied Ralph, "and if his honor chuses I'll goo vetch Dr. Tonic's own self, to swear I peaid un the money down, and down hard, and honest."