To this decision I have been urged by the elbowing on of not a few judicious friends; among whom I would particularly remark James Batter, who has been most earnest in his requeesht , and than whom a truer judge on anything connected with book- lear , or a better neibour , does not breathe the breath of life: both of which positions will, I doubt not, appear as clear as daylight to the reader, in the course of the work: to say nothing of the approval the scheme met with from the pious Maister Wiggie, who has now gone to his account, and diverse other advisers, that wished either the general good of the world, or studied their own particular profit.
Had the course of my pilgrimage lain just on the beaten track, I would not – at least I think so – have been o'ercome by ony perswasions to do what I have done; but, as will be seen, in the twinkling of half an ee , by the judicious reader, I am a man that has witnessed much, and come through a great deal, both in regard to the times wherein I have lived, and the out- o -the-way adventures in which it has been my fortune to be engaged. Indeed, though I say it myself, who might as well by silent, I that have never stirred, in a manner so to speak, from home, have witnessed mair of the world we live in, and the doings of men, than many who have sailed the salt seas from the East Indies to the West; or in the course of nature, Greenland, Botany-Bay, or Van Dieman's Land. The cream of the matter, and to which we would solicit the attention of auld and young, rich and poor, is just this, that, unless unco doure indeed to learn, the inexperienced may glean from my pages sundry grand lessons, concerning what they have a chance to expect in the course of an active life [...]

Some of the rich houses and great folk pretend to have histories of the auncientness of their families, which they can count back on their fingers amaist to the days of Noah's ark, and King Fergus the First; but, whatever may spunk out after, on this point, I am free to confess, with a safe conscience, that it is not in my power to come up within sight of them; having never seen or heard tell of ony body in our connexion, farther back than auld grandfaither , that I mind of when a laddie ; and who it behoves to have belonged by birthright to some parish or other; but where-away , gude kens . James Batter mostly blinded both his een , looking all last winter for one of our name in the book of Martyrs, to make us proud of; but his search, I am free to confess, waur than failed – as the only man of the name he could find out, was a Serjeant Jacob Waugh, that lost his lug and his left arm, fighting like a Russian Turk against the godly, at the bluidy battle of the Pentland Hills.
Auld grandfaither died when I was a growing callant , some seven or eight year auld : yet I mind him full well; it being a curious thing how early matters take haud of one's memory. He was a straught , tall, auld man, with a shining bell-pow , and reverend white locks hinging down about his haffets ; a Roman nose, and twa cheeks blooming through the winter of his lang age like roses, when, puir body, he was sand-blind with infirmity. In his latter days, he was hardly able to crawl about alone; but used to sit resting himself on the truff seat before our door, leaning forit his head on his staff, and finding a kind of pleasure in feeling the beams of God's ain sun beaking on him.

Two days after, when we were sitting at our comfortable four-hours , in came little Benjie, running out of breath -- just at the 'dividual moment of time my wife and I were jeering one another, about how we would behave when we came to be grand leddies and gentlemen, keeping a flunkie maybe, -- to tell us, that when he was playing at the bools , on the plainstanes before the auld kirk , he had seen the dead and dumb spaewife harled away to the tolbooth , for stealing a pair of trowsers , that were hanging drying on a tow , in Juden Elshinder's back closs . I could scarcely credit the callant , though I kenned he would not tell a lee for sixpence, and I said to him, "Now be sure Benjie, before ye speak. The tongue is a dangerous weapon, and apt to bring folk into trouble -- it might be another woman."
It was real cleverality in the callant . He said " Ay , faither, but was her; and she contrived to bring herself into trouble, without a tongue at a' ." I could not help laughing at this, it showed Benjie to be siccan a genius; so he said,
" Ye needna laugh, faither ; for it's as true's death, it was her. -- Do ye think I dinna ken in a minute our cheese-toaster, that used to hing beside the kitchen fire; and that the sherry-offisher took out frae beneath her gray cloak?" The smile gaed off Nanse's cheek like lightning, and she said it could not be true; but she would go to the kitchen to see. I fegs it was ower true, for she never came back to tell the contrary.

Englishmen, for instance, will say that I am a bad speller, and that my language is kittle ; and such of the Irishes as can read will be threaping that I have abused their precious country; but, my certie , instead of blaming me for letting out what I could not deny, they must just learn to behave themselves better when they come to see us, or bide at home.
Being by nature a Scotchman -- being I say of the blood of Robert Bruce and Sir William Wallace, -- and having in my day and generation buckled on my sword to keep the battle from our gates in the hour of danger, ill would it become me to speak but the plain truth, the whole truth, and any thing but the truth. No; although bred to a peaceable occupation, I am the subject of a free king and constitution; and, if I have written as I speak, I have just spoken as I thought. The man of learning, that kens no language saving Greek, and Gaelic and Hebrew, will doubtless laugh at the curiosity of my dialect; but I would just recommend to him, as he is a philosopher, to consider for a wee , that there are other things, in mortal life and in human nature, worth a moment's consideration besides old Pagan heathens -- pot-hooks and hangers -- the asses' bridge and the weary wall of Troy; [...] If the ignorant are dumfoundered at one of their own kidney -- a tailor laddie , that got the feck of his small education leathered into him at Dominie Threshem's school -- thinking himself an author, I would just remind him that seeing is believing; and that they should keep up a good heart, as it is impossible to say what may yet be their own fortune before they die. The rich man's apology I would beg; if, in this humble narrative, in this detail of manners almost hidden from the sphere of observation, I have in any instance tramped on the tender toes of good breeding, or given just offence in breadth of expression, or vulgarity of language .

I wonder who educates these foreign creatures? it was in vain to follow him, for he just gab-gabbled away, like one of the stone-masons at the tower of Babel. At first I was completely bamboozled, and almost dung stupid, though I kent one word of French, which I wanted to put to him, so I cried through, " Canna you speak Scotcha , Mounseer ?"
He had not the politeness to stop and make answer, but just went on with his string of haivers , without either rhyme or reason, which we could make neither top, tail, nor main of.

I have heard him say, when auld granfaither came to their door at the dead of night, tirling , like a thief o' darkness, at the window-brod to get in, that he was so altered in his voice and lingo, that no living soul kenned him, not even the wife of his bosom; so he had to put grannie in mind of things that had happened between them, before she would allow my faither to lift the sneck , or draw the bar. Many and many a year, for gude kens how long after, I've heard tell, that his speech was so Dutchified as to be scarcely kenspeckle to a Scotch European; but Nature is powerful, and, in the course of time, he came in the upshot to gather his words together like a Christian .

When I was driving out the gaislings to the grass on the next morn, who was it my ill fate to meet but the blacksmith. " Ou , Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday?"
"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.
"Yes!" said he, "Jess the minister's maid told me last night, that you had been giving up your name at the manse . Ay , it's ower true -- for she showed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story, Mansie, my man, and you only at your prenticeship yet."

" Ye'll hear in a moment," answered Tammie; " a' that I ken o' the matter. Ye see -- as I asked ye before -- yon trees on the hill-head to the norard ; just below yon black cloud yonder?"
"Preceesely," said I -- "I see them well enough."
" Weil , after a' thochts of finding her were gien up, and it was fairly concluded that it was the auld gudeman that had come and chappit her out, she was fund in a pond among yon trees, floating on her back, wi' her Sunday's claes on!!"
"Drowned?" said I to him,
"Drowned -- and as stiff as a deal board ," answered Tammie. "But when she was drowned,-- or how she came to be drowned, -- or who it was drowned her, -- has never been found out to this blessed moment."
"Maybe," said I, lending in my word, "maybe she had grown demented, and thrown herself in i' the dark."
"Or maybe," said Tammie, "the de'il flew away wi' her in a flash o' fire; and, soosing her down frae the lift , she landit in that hole, where she was fund floating. But, wo! -- wo!" cried he to his horse, coming across its side with his whip; "We maun be canny ; for this brig has a sharp turn, (it was the Cow Brig , ye know,) and many a one, both horse and man, have got their necks broken, by not being wary enough of that corner."

" Weel ," said he, "speaking o' the brig , I'll tell you a gude story about that. Auld Jamie Bowie, the potato merchant, that lived at the gate -end had a horse and cart, that met wi' an accident just at the turn o' the corner yonder ; and up cam a chield sair forfaughten , and a' out of breath to Jamie's door, crying like the prophet Jeremiah to the auld Jews, ' Rin , rin away doun the Cow Brig ; for your cart's dung to shivers , and the driver's killed as well as the horse.
"James came running for his hat; but as he was coming out at the door, he met another messenger, such as came running across the plain to King David, to acquaint him of the death of Absalom, crying ' Rin away doun , Jamie, rin away doun , your cart is standing yonder without either horse or driver, for they're baith killed!
"Jamie thanked heaven that the cart was to the fore; then rinning back for his stick, which he had forgotten, he stopped a moment to bid his wife not greet so loud, and was then rushing out in full birr , when he ran foul of a third chield , that mostly knocked down the door in his hurry. ' Awfu' news, man, awfu' news, was the way o't , with this second Eliphaz the Temanite. Your horse and cart ran away, -- and threw the driver, puir fellow, clean owre the brig into the water. No a crunch o' him is to be seen or heard tell of; for he was a' smashed to pieces!! It's an awfu' business!
"'But where's the horse? and where's the cart then?' askit Jamie, a thought brisker. ' Where's the horse and cart then, my man? Can ye tell me ought of that?'
"' Ou ,' said he, ' they're baith doun at the Toll yonder , no a hair the waur .'

"Tailor Mansie," quoth Maister Thomas Blister, with a furious cock of his eye, -- he was a queer Eirish birkie , come over for his education, -- "since ye have ventured to thrust your nose ma vourneen ," said he, " where nobody invited ye , you must just stay," said he, "and abide by the consequences. This is an affair of honour," quoth he; "and if ye venture to stir one foot from the spot, och then, ma bouchal ," said he, "by the poker of St. Patrick, but whisk through ye goes one of these leaden playthings , as sure as ye ever spoiled a coat, or cabbaged broad-cloth! Ye have now come out, ye observe -- hark ye ," said he, "and are art and part in the business: -- and, if one, or both, of the principals be killed, poor devil ," said he, "we are all alike liable to take our trial before the Justiciary Court, hark ye , and, by the powers ," said he, " I doubt not but, on proper consideration, ma chree , that they will allow us to get off mercifully; on this side of hanging, by a verdict of manslaughter."

"Will you stand that?" said Blister, with eyes like burning coals. " By the living jingo, and the holy poker, Magneezhy, if you stand that -- if you stand that, I say, I stand no longer as you second, but leave you to disgrace and a caning. If he likes to shoot you like a dog, and not as a gentleman, then, cuishle ma chree , -- his will be done."

"[Writing] Maister Batter has sent down, per the bearer, with his compliments to Maister Wauch, a cuttikin of corduroy, deficient in the instap , which please let out, as requires. Maister Wauch will also please be so good as observe, that three of the buttons have sprung the thorls , which he will be obliged to him to replace, at his earliest convenience. Please send me a message what that may be; and have the account made out, article for article, and duly discharged, that I may send down the bearer with the change; and to bring me back the cuttikin and the account, to save time and trouble. I am, dear sir, your most obedient friend, and ever most sincerely,
"JAMES BATTER"

When I was driving out the gaislings to the grass on the next morn, who was it my ill fate to meet but the blacksmith. " Ou , Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on Sunday?"
"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.
"Yes!" said he, "Jess the minister's maid told me last night, that you had been giving up your name at the manse . Ay , it's ower true -- for she showed me the apples ye gied her in a present. This is a bonny story, Mansie, my man, and you only at your prenticeship yet."

Two days after, when we were sitting at our comfortable four-hours , in came little Benjie, running out of breath -- just at the 'dividual moment of time my wife and I were jeering one another, about how we would behave when we came to be grand leddies and gentlemen, keeping a flunkie maybe, -- to tell us, that when he was playing at the bools , on the plainstanes before the auld kirk , he had seen the dead and dumb spaewife harled away to the tolbooth , for stealing a pair of trowsers , that were hanging drying on a tow , in Juden Elshinder's back closs . I could scarcely credit the callant , though I kenned he would not tell a lee for sixpence, and I said to him, "Now be sure Benjie, before ye speak. The tongue is a dangerous weapon, and apt to bring folk into trouble -- it might be another woman."
It was real cleverality in the callant . He said " Ay , faither, but was her; and she contrived to bring herself into trouble, without a tongue at a' ." I could not help laughing at this, it showed Benjie to be siccan a genius; so he said,
" Ye needna laugh, faither ; for it's as true's death, it was her. -- Do ye think I dinna ken in a minute our cheese-toaster, that used to hing beside the kitchen fire; and that the sherry-offisher took out frae beneath her gray cloak?" The smile gaed off Nanse's cheek like lightning, and she said it could not be true; but she would go to the kitchen to see. I fegs it was ower true, for she never came back to tell the contrary.

" Ye'll hear in a moment," answered Tammie; " a' that I ken o' the matter. Ye see -- as I asked ye before -- yon trees on the hill-head to the norard ; just below yon black cloud yonder?"
"Preceesely," said I -- "I see them well enough."
" Weil , after a' thochts of finding her were gien up, and it was fairly concluded that it was the auld gudeman that had come and chappit her out, she was fund in a pond among yon trees, floating on her back, wi' her Sunday's claes on!!"
"Drowned?" said I to him,
"Drowned -- and as stiff as a deal board ," answered Tammie. "But when she was drowned,-- or how she came to be drowned, -- or who it was drowned her, -- has never been found out to this blessed moment."
"Maybe," said I, lending in my word, "maybe she had grown demented, and thrown herself in i' the dark."
"Or maybe," said Tammie, "the de'il flew away wi' her in a flash o' fire; and, soosing her down frae the lift , she landit in that hole, where she was fund floating. But, wo! -- wo!" cried he to his horse, coming across its side with his whip; "We maun be canny ; for this brig has a sharp turn, (it was the Cow Brig , ye know,) and many a one, both horse and man, have got their necks broken, by not being wary enough of that corner."

" Weel ," said he, "speaking o' the brig , I'll tell you a gude story about that. Auld Jamie Bowie, the potato merchant, that lived at the gate -end had a horse and cart, that met wi' an accident just at the turn o' the corner yonder ; and up cam a chield sair forfaughten , and a' out of breath to Jamie's door, crying like the prophet Jeremiah to the auld Jews, ' Rin , rin away doun the Cow Brig ; for your cart's dung to shivers , and the driver's killed as well as the horse.
"James came running for his hat; but as he was coming out at the door, he met another messenger, such as came running across the plain to King David, to acquaint him of the death of Absalom, crying ' Rin away doun , Jamie, rin away doun , your cart is standing yonder without either horse or driver, for they're baith killed!
"Jamie thanked heaven that the cart was to the fore; then rinning back for his stick, which he had forgotten, he stopped a moment to bid his wife not greet so loud, and was then rushing out in full birr , when he ran foul of a third chield , that mostly knocked down the door in his hurry. ' Awfu' news, man, awfu' news, was the way o't , with this second Eliphaz the Temanite. Your horse and cart ran away, -- and threw the driver, puir fellow, clean owre the brig into the water. No a crunch o' him is to be seen or heard tell of; for he was a' smashed to pieces!! It's an awfu' business!
"'But where's the horse? and where's the cart then?' askit Jamie, a thought brisker. ' Where's the horse and cart then, my man? Can ye tell me ought of that?'
"' Ou ,' said he, ' they're baith doun at the Toll yonder , no a hair the waur .'

"Tailor Mansie," quoth Maister Thomas Blister, with a furious cock of his eye, -- he was a queer Eirish birkie , come over for his education, -- "since ye have ventured to thrust your nose ma vourneen ," said he, " where nobody invited ye , you must just stay," said he, "and abide by the consequences. This is an affair of honour," quoth he; "and if ye venture to stir one foot from the spot, och then, ma bouchal ," said he, "by the poker of St. Patrick, but whisk through ye goes one of these leaden playthings , as sure as ye ever spoiled a coat, or cabbaged broad-cloth! Ye have now come out, ye observe -- hark ye ," said he, "and are art and part in the business: -- and, if one, or both, of the principals be killed, poor devil ," said he, "we are all alike liable to take our trial before the Justiciary Court, hark ye , and, by the powers ," said he, " I doubt not but, on proper consideration, ma chree , that they will allow us to get off mercifully; on this side of hanging, by a verdict of manslaughter."

"Will you stand that?" said Blister, with eyes like burning coals. " By the living jingo, and the holy poker, Magneezhy, if you stand that -- if you stand that, I say, I stand no longer as you second, but leave you to disgrace and a caning. If he likes to shoot you like a dog, and not as a gentleman, then, cuishle ma chree , -- his will be done."