"Get up, master Turnbull, or I will baste you with your own ladle."
" Ise going to give tid' colonel a bit of someit in excalpitation like," quoth master Turnbull.
" Hold your Yorkshire tongue, and let me hear what the colonel says."
"Quite amincable , like , I assure thee : dommit , mun ! can't thee be civil to a body. "

"Now, Master Ebenezer," said Hopkins, to the rubicond and portly cook, "what evidence have you against this adjutant of Belial's kingdom?"
"I'm no but a cook, sur," rejoined the lord of the dripping-pan; "and I hanna mooch to say tid' woman, like ; only she's a deep un."
"Come near, my good man," said the witch-finder, like a showman who has muzzled a wild beast. "Don't be afraid of her, she won't eat you."
"I dunna know that, mun ," was the reply-- "she has done queerer things nor that--she ha' got an evil eye, I guess, and I'd joost keep a cervil distance, like : quite mannerly , I assure thee . Lord love you , she'd wisk thee up and throttle thee , joist as a coachman does a goose--before you could sa' Jack Robinson."
"'Tis part of the charge against her," replied Hopkins, "facinating poultry."
"Why you don't sa' so. Well , that's macking free, I reckon: personating poultry-- ha, ha! I ax pardon, zur -- but I'm dommed if I could keep a capon, whenever she was to the fore. They all got the pip, and the pigs took French leave; and as for the cattle, poor beasts, they took--they took on, as if they'd got the plag' . I mane , your honour, when she used to come tid' yound leddy ad castle, pretending about simples and harbs , and such like. Lord, how they wou'd jabber fra' hour to hour a mort of things, about old towers, and barons, and goblins, and that 'ere --and about Dame Shipton, the Yarkshire syllabub; and then the hag there--I ax pardon; I mane Mistris Thingamee used to look on her hand, like , and says he'd ha' an ougly death; and yet she'd chuse it. I remember t' words well by this mark, that the yeast wou'd na work that day, and the booter wou'd na coom , do as I wou'd . And all that night I cou'd na get a snap of sleep."
"What, she sent her imps to plague you?" enquired Hopkins.
"Na , na --she doos na need for that-- Lord love ye , she cooms through the keyhole, riding on a broomstick, like ony thing; I ha' no doubt all roobed and anoynted with child's fat, and suchlike."
"Write that down, Mr. Clerk," said Hopkins. So you saw her riding in this way?"
"Na, mun , dommer , she's too deep to be seen at her tricks. I did na see her, but I felt her: for I itched, and roobed , and scroobed the houl night, for all the worle as if I lay upon cow-itch; and there was sooch a wowling and catter-wowling wi' that domd black cat that used to follow her. I'm moral sartain , the Laccademon snuffed me out."
"The Cacodemon you mean. Well, and so, this cat follows her? Have you seen it lately?"
"Na , na --the baist 's up to someat , Ise tell thee . Never since Miles White watched her out of the back posten . Miaw, said the limb of Satan--and snuffs, and snuffs, as if he wanted a tidbit of flesh.--Oh, it's you, Beelzebub! says he, is it? By the poors , Ise mark ye . So, out he whips his loong soord , and slices off one o' t' baist 's paws, as nice as nine pence .-- All's right, thought he; I shall know ye now, mun , by head mark. Wull , would ye credit it? he meets the baist ond' next day, like , with all his paws as whool as mine, and it miowls him in the face, as who should sa' -- its varry pratty , like , but it won't do. Wull , this passed on--and in a day or two, woud ye credit it? there comes this old hag--this good woman, I mean, and brings ye another woman to th' Spittle, wi' never a hond . So then, the murder was out."
"Well: is that all you have to say?" asked Hopkins.
"Na, mun ; there's a mort of other things, but I doona mind them. Lord love ye , take care of her--she looks dommed obstrepelous , like ; wha knows but she may wisk us all away with a corner of the floor. That's a room un , I tell thee ."

" Someit of a hip-goble'em , like ," said Master Turnbull, taking up the broken thread of reply.
"Did yon see its beard, mun ," interrupted another, "burn my wig , what a deadly length?"
"And his eyes," exclaimed a second--
"Were like the fish-pools of Heshbon," snuffled the worthy pastor; "and his nose like the tower of Lebanon, that looketh towards--"
" Dommit , Job, you munna come wi' thot ," said Ebenezer, to him that described the beard. "The ghast wa' a wumman , to a dead sartification."
"Thou speakest leasing; "oh, thou profane tongue," grunted the pastor, "seeing that the silence of half an hour proveth--"
"Who can tell whether it baynt a wampur ?" said a female of the flock, putting in what she thought a lucky hit. "Did'nt thee mark his tusks?"
How wad ye say that, mauther ," returned a second, with an Essex sing, " whan thee mought see the craytur 's head under its arm, as natural as life?"
"Where are we, where are we?" again groaned Hezekiah. "There is none speaketh truth, no, not one. Of a verity, ye are vessels of Sathan, who lyed from the beginning, and still lyeth. Oh, ye --(Hhuh,hhuh.)"
"Well, my friends," interrupted Morrice, "when you have settled as to what you have seen, perhaps you will deign to assign some cause for the intrusion. In the meanwhile, as we are rather busy, either explain what you have to tell, shortly, or oblige us by your absence."
"Wi' pleasure, your honour," said Master Turnbull, looking owl-like, and assuming to be spokesman. " Ise appretiate yur worship in rengolar succension , how it wa' like. Thee mun know, as we sot i' the steward's hall, Master Hezekiah making a male o' a bit o capon, like , and tawking of fowl devils, and the saints, and reform and flummery, and the wine-press and mulled sack, and the fifth monorchy - like , quite natural, I assure thee ; whan , whop someat comes agen the door, and, before you could sa' Jack Robinson, in walks a little fellow, a wee wee wippersnapper , like--"
"A tall man"--"a wumman "--"a hag"--"the devil" --interrupted a dozen voices.
" Dommit all," quotha the cook, waxing wrath-- "let a mon speak, wi' ye ?--Be mannerdly-like , do. So says I to masel', when I saw the lanky Golgotha's saucer eyes, burning like a firecoal: and holding my nose, for, bless ye , mun , the brimstone wa' rather disingreable - like ."
"And you saw this?" said the governor: "mind what you are about, Master Turnbull, our time is not to be trifled with; your story does not agree first, it's a little whippersnapper, as you call it, and then it's a lanky Golgotha."
"Bless ye , did I sa' that?-- Na , na , it was a leetle , leetle go-o'e-the-ground thing, like . "
"I say it was a tall man," again interrupted a refractory voice, "like the picture of the Prior of Beverley in the Lady's study."
" Nay , nay , Miles-- did'nt you know Mother Allen, by her high-crowned hat?"
Morrice now lost all patience: and, shrugging up his shoulders, walked away.

" Someit of a hip-goble'em , like ," said Master Turnbull, taking up the broken thread of reply.
"Did yon see its beard, mun ," interrupted another, "burn my wig , what a deadly length?"
"And his eyes," exclaimed a second--
"Were like the fish-pools of Heshbon," snuffled the worthy pastor; "and his nose like the tower of Lebanon, that looketh towards--"
" Dommit , Job, you munna come wi' thot ," said Ebenezer, to him that described the beard. "The ghast wa' a wumman , to a dead sartification."
"Thou speakest leasing; "oh, thou profane tongue," grunted the pastor, "seeing that the silence of half an hour proveth--"
"Who can tell whether it baynt a wampur ?" said a female of the flock, putting in what she thought a lucky hit. "Did'nt thee mark his tusks?"
How wad ye say that, mauther ," returned a second, with an Essex sing, " whan thee mought see the craytur 's head under its arm, as natural as life?"
"Where are we, where are we?" again groaned Hezekiah. "There is none speaketh truth, no, not one. Of a verity, ye are vessels of Sathan, who lyed from the beginning, and still lyeth. Oh, ye --(Hhuh,hhuh.)"
"Well, my friends," interrupted Morrice, "when you have settled as to what you have seen, perhaps you will deign to assign some cause for the intrusion. In the meanwhile, as we are rather busy, either explain what you have to tell, shortly, or oblige us by your absence."
"Wi' pleasure, your honour," said Master Turnbull, looking owl-like, and assuming to be spokesman. " Ise appretiate yur worship in rengolar succension , how it wa' like. Thee mun know, as we sot i' the steward's hall, Master Hezekiah making a male o' a bit o capon, like , and tawking of fowl devils, and the saints, and reform and flummery, and the wine-press and mulled sack, and the fifth monorchy - like , quite natural, I assure thee ; whan , whop someat comes agen the door, and, before you could sa' Jack Robinson, in walks a little fellow, a wee wee wippersnapper , like--"
"A tall man"--"a wumman "--"a hag"--"the devil" --interrupted a dozen voices.
" Dommit all," quotha the cook, waxing wrath-- "let a mon speak, wi' ye ?--Be mannerdly-like , do. So says I to masel', when I saw the lanky Golgotha's saucer eyes, burning like a firecoal: and holding my nose, for, bless ye , mun , the brimstone wa' rather disingreable - like ."
"And you saw this?" said the governor: "mind what you are about, Master Turnbull, our time is not to be trifled with; your story does not agree first, it's a little whippersnapper, as you call it, and then it's a lanky Golgotha."
"Bless ye , did I sa' that?-- Na , na , it was a leetle , leetle go-o'e-the-ground thing, like . "
"I say it was a tall man," again interrupted a refractory voice, "like the picture of the Prior of Beverley in the Lady's study."
" Nay , nay , Miles-- did'nt you know Mother Allen, by her high-crowned hat?"
Morrice now lost all patience: and, shrugging up his shoulders, walked away.

Our friend, the valet, was flourishing away in his master's clothes, and in his master's character; and, having obtained a very pretty-looking, well dressed young lady for his partner, he was taking his station in the dance, rather higher than a lady, equally well or better drest , though right. -- You do not stand so high as this couple, said the lady in primrose color -- over which was thrown an elegant drapery of leno to look like lace. Yes, Miss, I does , said the pretty partner of our good valet, -- I have a right to stand where I does . -- As to your right, replied the lady in primrose, I know nothing about that -- I only know, replied she, looking down upon her, -- that you are a very, -- very, -- What, pray, retorted the other, with great elevation of chin, what, say what? -- I believe my pa and ma -- are as good as yours. --- Oh, thank God! said the lady in primrose, shrugging up her shoulders -- I am not troubled with those personages: -- my grand pa made me indispensible of they -- and my papa and mamma left me a hairiss . -- And so, you comes to the balls for a husband, does you ? said Miss Jinks, but I dares say you may come some time before you catch a fish . -- I should not have thought of that said Miss Buggins, I wonders if you knows who you is talking to ? -- Yes, I does said the other, fluttering her fan, and twisting about quite in a fuss, yes, I does . -- Well, and who am I , said Miss Buggins, with a look sufficient to annihilate any woman of moderate spirit. -- Who are you? said the other, with a cold contemptuous sneer, who are you? why you is Sally Buggins ; -- your grand pa -- was the beetle to the workhouse; and kept the tater -warehouse; -- and, after he got on a little, your pa set up a pork shop: -- Buggins's stinking pork shop was well enough known, said she, with a he, he, he.-- If ever I knowd such a scandalous wretch cried Miss Buggins, I wonders how they could let such a creature into an assemplay . -- Well, creature, as I is -- I would have you to know as how I am dancing with a Lord . -- With a Lord! cried Miss Buggins, staring with all her eyes, oh, dear! I think he must be a queer one, -- when ----

"My good lady," said little Joe, (coming forward with an exulting countenance,) " larns me to read and write, and to be a good boy, and ge's me a penny a week, to drive the cows into the yard."
"A very nice thing, indeed, my little boy, and what do you intend to do with all the pence you get in this way?"
" Why , sir, replied Joe, twisting his thumb and fingers one over the other, "I am, my lady says, to lay them all by in a box, and then as how she tells me I may some day buy a big bible, and so always know how to be a good, a very good boy."
"And how many pence have you got?" asked Arthur.
Joe, turning to his mother,-- " 'ant it twelve, mother?"
"I think it is," said Susan.

" Mony ! a blessing rest o' their heads, for their goodness to me," said the blind weaver, as she rose from her stool, "my great Father sends me so mony comforts in my old age, that I canna speak o' em but praise him ay my heart , and hope he will gie ye a blessing for me."
[narrative omitted]
"There's a blessing, sir, on every state for him that will but take it; I needs no more than in mercy is sent me ; my bobbins shuffle and shuffle from side to side, and learn me to turn, aye and to bend, to my great Master's will. Had I wanted more He would have given it me! "
Arthur and Emma could not help remarking the neatness of the cottage, and all within it.
"I wonder," said Emma, "how you keep everything so clean, without your sight."
"That makes little difference to me, my lady, once upon a time, I had my sight, and then loved everything so bright, that ne'er a speck was seen; now my fingers serve me, and feel e'en the leastest bit o' dirt--'Tis one of my pleasures to hobble about my little room, and put all nice and neat, and rub the bricks, --Though I ar not much time for that either."
"Do you weave all the day, and every day of the year?" said Arthur.
"No, sir, not ar Sundays, nor ar washing days, nor ar baking days. There's ennow to do them."
"Why, you must bake a good deal, to occupy all the day," said Mr Wilmore.
"'Tis na' a great deal I want, sir, but still a body must live, and a cake or two a day wants a good mony to last a month .

Well, Bernard," said Mrs. Villiers, "Helena tells me you have been in London, and that you saw very strange things there. I thought you had lived in this neighbourhood all your life and had never been so far from home."
"Why, you see, Madam, I was borned in Surry; and lived farmer's man, and sometimes worked in the gentlefolk's gardens for a many years, man and boy:-- so you see, the young girls as goes up from this country, a harvesting, did used to work for my master--and so I took a bit of a liking to one on 'em, but she would not have me, she said, without I would come and live in her country, near her father and mother, like. So I left my master, d'ye see , and married her, and comed here, and then I took to gardening, and here I ha' been ever since."--
"But you went to London before you ever came here, I suppose, Bernard?"
"Why, yes, Madam, I was o'telling o' little Miss how my master sent me once with some wuts to market, and another man wie' me."
"What are wuts , Mamma?"
"Surry for oats," said Mr. Melcombe.
"So you see, Madam, when it begun to be dusk--for we was ordered to be in Lunnun just before night, to be ready for the first o' the market in the morning--I got into a clutter o' carts, and such a mort of people that I got a looking at 'em to see what they was all a going about:-- so presently I goes back to my cart, as I thoft , and I said summut to the man wie' the horses, thinking how it was the same as I set out with; but he spoke sulky like , and in a stre-ange voice--and sure ly there was I with a waggon and a man I never see'd before in all my life:--so off I sets, to look for me me-ate -- so I comes where there was four or five roads, and what they called the Oblus in the middle: I thinks how it was at one Sir George's fe-alds, or some such ple-ace. So I takes one road where I sees a cart,--but that wasn't it-- so , what to do I didn't know; but I goes on, and on--and comes to a bridge; so then I thoft sure ly I was right, 'causen I knowed how I was to go over a bridge; so, when I got into the town, I was mortal tired--and I axed where I was, and they tould me I was in Wessmister : so then I thoft I had gone quite and clean to the wrong town: so, says I, 'La! dear, why I oft to a' gone to Lunnun .' So then they fell a laughing, and said how I should never find out Lunnun if I goed away from Wessmister . So I thoft I would go on till I found some civilier like folks--so I went furder and furder , and some tould me one thing and some another, and so it growed dark,--and I was got so tired and sleepy like , that I thoft as how I'd lay down and rest me a bit, till it was light again, and then I could find my way myself. So I sees a fine place with a great postis over the door: so I lays me down, and falls fast asleep. Bye and bye, I hears such a clattering, and racketing o' horses and carriages, the coachmen swearing, and driving along as thof they was all tosticated: --so up I jumps , and then to be sure I was frighted out o' my sinses , for I thoft sure ly I must be killed in my sleep and got where all the bad people do bide : for first of all, to be sure I see'd the ould gentleman himself, and then, some wi' horns, and some wi' big noses, and some all over patch-work like ."
"Why old Bernard has certainly been to a masquerade;" said Mr. Melcombe, laughing, aside to Mrs. Villiers.--